I have a little shelf of journals that I keep in my office. Last week, for some reason, I reached down and pulled one out. I flipped open randomly, and found something that brought tears to my eyes. I wanted to share it, because it was kind of a magical moment for me.
The Backdrop – almost 7 years ago, I had just had the first of many miscarriages Steph and I would go through. It was December, and feeling the hope of the new year, and the emptiness of my womb and home, I wrote the following entry in my journal.
December 30, 2010
For 2011, I will create…BABIES! This miscarriage has been eyeopening for me. I want babies more than I’ve wanted almost anything. And, yes, that’s plural. Two at a minimum, three would be better, four even merrier!
Stephanie and I have created a beautiful home together – a peaceful life – and I am going to create a big, boisterous, busy, loving family to inhabit that life – richness that will be so full, it will seem to burst at the seams.
Stephanie has given me the love and stability I have always craved, and I feel so grounded I could cry. Now I need to build something beautiful on that cleared, prepared ground. That something for me, is my family. Our family. Big, beautiful, bustling.
We’ve been on this baby-making journey for a year this January and I ask for help from God and all celestial beings to help me create this dream. I want it so badly I taste it in my mouth, it comes out of my pores. A big family. Filled with love.
I remember when I was young I thought perhaps I would have 5 children. I will create this, I will. I am open to what that looks like, and how it will happen. My giving birth, egg donor, adoption, or however. I am open to the how. I smile with resolve when I say I will create it. We will try 6 IVFs before moving from the dream of carrying my own babies. We have done one. My job is to try to build a strong healthy vessel for my babies to come to me. There are souls waiting out there – waiting for Steph and I to be their mamas. My job is to keep trying to build a healthy vessel.
If anything, this miscarriage has shown me how much I want this dream – how ingrained it is in my DNA. How it is not a fanciful thought. There will be at least one child in 2011, my family will be complete by the time I am 42. Plenty of time to take care of my beings, prepare them for the world, love them.
I am open and invite my souls. The souls – whether biological or not – that are bound to be ours. We are here and we are ready. We will not be perfect, but we are ready. We invite you, my perfect and lovely souls.
For those that know me, you know that I did get my four babies. Two sets of twin boys to be exact! Though I did not having my first babies until 2012, I was finished with my family by the time I was 43. It was not easy, and it required a lot of faith.
Sitting here on this side of things, I have so much compassion and admiration for the woman who wrote our her dreams that December evening. I had no idea what our journey was going to be like, but I do know that I was committed to being on that ride 100%.
What I knew:
- That this was not just up to me – I needed the backing and grace of the universe.
- That the journey would require strength and I would need to find a way to summon it.
- That the journey would require money, time and patience.
- That I had to be open to how I would reach my dreams. Flexibility was critical – otherwise I would fail.
Here’s what I didn’t know:
- That three more miscarriages would come our way.
- Where the money was going to come from to fund the journey
- That August would be born with Down syndrome, and make me unsteady on my feet for a bit.
- That we would also become foster parents and care for a dozen children as our own in 4 short years.
- That we would transfer two perfect donor embryos from a 29 year old woman, and miscarry yet again.
- That because I’d miscarried a young woman’s embryos, we’d decide we had nothing to lose and use my aging eggs one last time, which would give us our second set of twins.
The list of things that I didn’t know far surpassed what I did know, but honestly, I didn’t have a choice. I had to go after my dream and be in it 100%. To do anything else was not an option.
Looking back, I have nothing but gratitude for my journey and for my children. And for Steph, who, gave me a safe firm ground to dream big and embrace the “not knowing” that came along with going after that dream.
For anyone finding themselves with a dream – whether it’s to have a baby, to start a business, to move across the country, to take the kids out of school and travel the world, or to change careers – you don’t have to know how your journey is going to unfold. You can’t know what the journey is going to look like. You just have to take a leap of faith that this is what you were meant to do. And then you go about making it happen.
One foot in front of the other. One moment at a time, asking for the grace and humility to regroup when things don’t go as planned, and the strength and courage to keep going until that dream is filled.
I’m reminded of the Peter Pan quote…
All you need is a little faith, trust and pixie dust.
Faith that you are supported and loved by whatever higher power or order you believe in.
Trust that you are strong and courageous enough to make your dreams a reality and that the path you are on is the right one.
And a touch of pixie dust that is the magic of the universe….working with you to create what it is that is your heart’s desire. You are not doing this alone.