Buckets of Hope – Surviving Multiple Miscarriages

This week, I had my third miscarriage. According to the numbers, 1-2% of women will experience 3 or more miscarriages. Not really something I would have chosen to be an overachiever on, if I’d been the one making the decision.

It’s a truly humbling experience, and the grieving is exhausting. I go back and forth between being numb, then jealous of others who seem to get pregnant at the drop of a hat, then angry, then feeling more than a little sorry for myself, then numbness again.  Not pretty emotions to contend with. It’s embarrassing. Steph is my rock through it.

I’ve always said that fertility treatments are not for the faint of heart. Fertility treatments when you’re 40 bring that up another notch. It takes a resolve of steel, a willingness to be on a roller coaster of emotions, a willingness to not be in control, flexibility, and great big buckets of hope.

But, our story is not a sad one. After our 3 year journey to get pregnant,  we won the baby jackpot last year with our twins, Liam and August. Their birth story is here. Honestly, given my repeated miscarriages, they are my little miracles. I am beyond grateful for them, and get an immense amount of joy being their momma!

But, as my friend Lindsay said, “Grieving what you’ve lost does not make you less grateful for what you have. They are two separate things.” She is a wise woman. And so I go about the messy business of being grateful one moment and being devastated the next.

You’d think I would stop the roller coaster, but here’s the thing. I have this vision for my family of a house filled with children. Whether it’s right or wrong, it’s the vision I have. Messy, bustling, loud, filled with cute little beings working hard to grow up into big, kind, beautiful beings. I know the path is not always a rosy one- I’m not oblivious to the trials that come along with teenagers. Please. I’ve raised two children already. They excelled at being rebellious teenagers. We did not slide by on that one in any stretch of the imagination.

And yet, it’s still my dream. I just have to be open to how and when that will happen. That’s continued to be my mantra from day one, and it still is.

My blogger friend Ashley, of Baddest Mother Ever, told me that things changed for her the day that she realized she was meant to be someone’s mother, not necessarily have a baby. A gentle but profound shift in thinking. That’s a good reminder to me. If these rounds with my last little frosties (what we in the fertility world call our frozen little embryos) don’t work, then I will gratefully accept the embryos from some very young chick who was so fertile she only needed a small portion of the eggs she produced and is selflessly donating them to chicks like me.

We also are starting the path to becoming foster parents, and plan on pursuing adoption through that path. I am cracked wide open with fear and excitement going down this path, but it feels right. We have so much love to give.

The thing is, I will get my brood of children, but I must be open to how. That’s always been my mantra, through the first two miscarriages. This will happen for me, I just have to be open to when and how.

What-you-seek-is-seeking

I’m a fairly private person, especially when it comes to sharing things that are still painful, but I wanted to share this with others who may be struggling to make their dream a reality – whether that’s having a baby, or getting a degree, or making a move.

My best advice to myself and others is to get crystal clear about what you want, and then go for it 110%. In the times when it seems impossible, or you have no control, lug out your heavy, sloshing buckets of hope. They’ll get you through. They’re getting me through right now.

Onward to the next step. Healing, standing up, dusting off, and trying again.

 

27 thoughts on “Buckets of Hope – Surviving Multiple Miscarriages

  1. Christine

    Wow, I hope manymany people read this. You offer your heart on your sleeve. I also hope you get to give the world those “big, kind, beautiful things.” We need as many of those as we can get!

    Reply
  2. Candice

    Beautifully written my dear friend. My thoughts are with you and Steph. You are both such inspirational people and I know you will have more beautiful children to add to your precious brood no matter whether it is through the foster care system or your little “Frosties”. Hugs to you both and thank you both for being YOU!!!! Hugs.

    Reply
  3. Apt

    Sorry to hear this, Heather. You and Steph are wonderful parents and I know more little feet will be pattering for you soon. ::hugs::

    Reply
  4. Ashley

    Oh, the grieving. When Richard and I had a backyard wedding 11 days before he died, I loved every minute of it (except for the “sickness and health” part). But I found myself mad and resentful after he died that we didn’t get to have the beachfront Bermuda wedding that we had planned. My therapist explained to me that it was OK to accept what blessings I have while still grieving the planned life that I lost. That was a really hard one, but it is healing. Peace to you and Steph.

    Reply
    1. hbuckman Post author

      Ashley, you are an inspiration to me. Having gratitude while grieving is tricky, but I remember what you shared at the conference in the keynote room about the day Richard died and how much you had to write in your gratitude journal that day. I know that moment was impactful for so many people in that room. Love to you.

      Reply
  5. Amy

    I love you, and I know your house will be bustling and overflowing soon. I’m sorry this crappy setback happened, but you and Steph have so much love to give and I wish you guys tons and tons of happiness (and children)!

    Reply
    1. hbuckman Post author

      Love you too, Amy. You are one of our favorite people here in the Buckman-Shaar household and bring us lots of smiles – even in the midst of grieving. x0x0x0

      Reply
  6. Ophelia

    I know in my heart of hearts that our family is meant to always be ever expanding! You and Stephanie have showered the four of us with love, and the next one will be so lucky! (I may or may not be hoping that this next one might wear pink tutus and bows…)

    Reply
  7. Kelly

    My partner and I have been together for almost ten years now, we have two children, 13 and 17, both are biologically hers. We have talked and talked about having a baby for some time now…things just haven’t worked out in that part of our life. When I see the pictures you post of your growing family and I see how beautiful your older babies are now and how awesome Liam and August are, all I can do is smile. You have so much joy and love in your home and I am so happy for you. Everything you and Stephanie have been through is a testament to you both as women and as partners. Hope is necessary for survival, hold on to it and keep your head up old friend.

    Reply
    1. hbuckman Post author

      Hello old friend! If you decide you and your partner want a baby, I’m happy to talk about the ins and outs of fertility treatments. Or, I’m about to learn a lot about fostering and adoption, so am happy to share that, too. Much love to you and thank you for leaving a comment so I know you’re out there and how you’re doing! We had so much fun over there in that place near the beach 🙂 fun times!

      Reply
  8. Cynthia

    I am so sorry to hear about your loss. I hope that the blessings you already have will comfort you in your time of grief. I love that you are open to extending your family in whatever way it may happen. Beautiful post.

    Reply
  9. Kristy

    I am sorry you are struggling and I appreciate your honesty. To me you are one of those ‘tip of the iceberg’ people. On the surface you are such a wonderful and genuine person and then every time I talk with you or read your stories I am struck by how little of your amazing Spirit I actually know. Any child would be blessed to be in your home.

    Reply
    1. hbuckman Post author

      Kristy, that’s one of the kindest things anyone has said to me. Thank you for that! Glad Jules has brought us together and look forward to seeing you again soon.

      Reply
  10. Karen

    So sorry to read this Heather. I understand your dream and am sure you and Steph will fulfill it-however it’s meant to happen! You two are and will be amazing parents. Thanks for being willing to share such a difficult experience with others-you never know who you’ve touched today, and perhaps made them to feel like they are not alone. Prayers for comfort.
    Karen

    Reply
  11. Jennalynn

    Thank you for writing this. I am 36 and have had three miscarriages in the last two years, and fall is hard for me, because two of them happened this time of year. It is my favorite season but I find myself very sad lately, looking to the Internet to “find comfort” in similar stories. I wish you the best of luck in having another child, however that child comes to you, and thanks again for this post – it’s given me much to think about.

    Reply
  12. hbuckman Post author

    Jennalynn,
    I’m so sorry for your losses. Fall is my favorite season, and two of mine happened during these months. It’s bittersweet going back and forth between loving the fall days and dealing with your losses. Hoping you find solace, and sending you lots of strength to come surround you in your sadness. xoxo

    Reply
  13. Pingback: Becoming Foster Parents – Our New Journey

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *