9 Things I Wish I Knew Before Starting My Infertility Journey

Throughout my years of trying to conceive, I received lots of cheering, wisdom and support from others who had been on the journey before me. That support made all the difference in the world to me, kept me motivated, and got me through to the other side – where I am joyously busy with my 7-month old twin boys.

It’s really important to me to try to pay that forward. So, if you’re struggling with infertility, I hope my story and my words help in some small way.

My particular journey has all the makings of a juicy novel.  It’s full of heartbreak, the patience of Job, lots of money, a will of steel, all the medical science our doctors could conjure up, and a well-crafted plot written by me. Except, the plot kept going off course. And this wasn’t a novel. This was my  life.

A little back-history. I had my first two children when I was but a mere babe. Eighteen when I had my daughter Ophelia. Twenty when I had my son Dakota. They’re the bomb diggety. Fast forward 17 years, and I wanted to do it all over again. Yes, my kids were almost grown, I worried about overpopulation, AND I was on the cusp of that dreaded acronym AMA – advanced maternal age. But, I didn’t care about any of that. I felt driven to be a mom again. I knew it was meant to be a part of my story with my beautiful partner Steph.

Steph and I are ill-equipped to have children the natural way. No matter. This is the 21st century, and we quickly found our resources to find out how to go about this business of making a baby, the 21st-century way. I remember that initial meeting with our Reproductive Endocrinologist, Dr. Winslow. I felt confidant in him, the fact that I was 35, and that we had time and resources. I was confidant, centered, focused, and resolved. Good thing I was.

It took us 2 years, 36 eggs harvested, 13 embryos transferred, 2 IUI’s, 3 IVF’s, 3 surgeries, and 2 miscarriages before we would find joy in our twin boys, August and Liam.  I would be honored if you would read our full story here. But, in this post, I want to focus on you.

No matter what the particulars are of your story, my wish for you is that you grab hold of hope, and hold it tight. Because as long as you have hope, you can help write your own story. When you let go of it, your thoughts and actions change, and your story is written without your stamp of approval.

If you are struggling with trying to conceive, or have suffered a miscarriage, here’s my best advice.

1. Fertility treatment is a huge undertaking, and you’ll stay focused if you have a long-term plan of what types of treatments you’re willing to do, how long you’re willing to invest, and what you’ll do if a particular type of treatment is unsuccessful. Our plan was simple –  we would invest time and money into 3 IVF’s. If those didn’t work, we would move on to donor embryo. If that didn’t work, we would adopt. Come up with a plan with your partner/spouse. Your plan and your limits will be different from mine. Do what in your heart of hearts you think would work for you. And know that your plan can change if it needs to.

2. Plan for the long-haul. Journeys take time – they’re not a one-shot event. Do some people seem to get pregnant as easily as they sneeze? Yes. Do some people have triplets on their first fertility round? Yes. Could it happen to you? Yes. But, chances are, it won’t.

3. Don’t take setbacks as a sign that it’s not meant to be for you. When a setback happens, go back to your master plan, adjust and move on. Even if your success ends in miscarriage – and I truly hope it doesn’t – allow yourself to grieve for as long as you need, and then get back to your plan.

4. Don’t be a victim. It sucks to have to go to so much effort to have a child, when it comes so easily to others.  It can be horrible and heartbreaking. But it’s not because you’re not meant to be a parent. It’s not because you’re bad. It’s not because the universe conspired against you. It’s the luck of the draw. You’ve got to find the “good egg”, as I used to call it. That perfect little being that’s meant to be your child.

5. Come up with your own mantra that you go back to again and again. I didn’t set out to have a mantra, but I found myself repeating the same words to myself. My words? “Don’t give up. It will happen. My job is to be unattached about how and when that happens.”

6. Be stubborn. Allow yourself to grieve and feel that it’s “not fair”. Practice patience. If you mess up and break down, gather your shit together, and practice patience again.

7. Allow yourself to have bad days. I may sound all chipper now, but I had many days where I sat outside, just staring out into the yard, wondering how all this would end. I cried lots, and became numb. But, eventually, I would move out of it, and find my resolve again.

8. Give and receive support. I found mine online at BabyCenter.com. Sharing your journey with others is validating. It makes your story real and makes you feel not alone. It also helps with feelings of jealousy, which is a messy, embarrassing thing to feel when you have friends and family who are pregnant, and you can’t feel happy for them.

9. Take a break when you need to. Fertility treatment is grueling. It’s all exhausting on your mind, body, and soul. If you push pause, it doesn’t mean you’re giving up. It means you’re gathering your strength. You’ll know when the time is right again. Steph and I pushed the pause button after our second miscarriage for 9 months. We healed, had fun, and rested during that time. Come January, we were geared up, and ready to go. Remember, you’re in it for the long-haul.

Your road might be full of disappointment and grief, but if you try your hardest to stay unattached to how you will become a parent, and stay resolved, you will.

It might not be your own egg, it might not be your own uterus, it might be through adoption. You might have to fund-raise, beg, network, or otherwise turn over every rock.  But have faith that things will unfold exactly as they’re meant to. Your child(ren) are out there waiting for you on the other side. It might be 9 months from now, or it might be 3 years from now. Your child is out there, routing you on, sweetly and softly. Patiently waiting.

If you’re trying for your first child, this is your first big journey as a parent. Being a parent means being in it for the long-haul. That journey doesn’t being when your child is born – it begins now. I wish you so much love, and wish you lots of grace as you walk your journey. Try to do it with a joyful, but stubborn step.

It will happen for you. Your job is to not be attached to how, or when.

Much love and baby dust. I would love to hear your stories, if you are willing to share. I’m so passionate about this.

23 thoughts on “9 Things I Wish I Knew Before Starting My Infertility Journey

  1. Elizabeth Broeker

    Your awesome with your words! As I read that I was thinking damn I had to make my self do some of those things. Like taking a break, or be a little bitter or just keep on truckin on. Women TTC now should and will benefit from your blogs.

  2. Tami Benton

    I love your blog! When I see that you’ve updated, it’s kinda like a little treat at the end of the night… I can’t tell you how many times I’ve read your birth story. Filled with positivity, never leaving out reality, you’re a breath of fresh air in an online community of “here’s a picture of what we had for dinner”. 🙂

    1. hbuckman Post author

      Aww, thank you Tami! That really means a lot to me. I’ll try to stay away from posting pictures of what we had for dinner 😉

  3. melissa

    great post.. I struggled for 10 years with infertility.. told i could never have a child.. thanks to a wonderful RE and determination… 4 tries of medicated IUI .. and we got the surprise of our lives and are enjoying our 10 week old triplet boys! Whoever reads this .. if you are struggling.. DO NOT GIVE UP.. i never in a zillion years imagined I would be a mama of triplets!!!

  4. Stephanie Helton

    This helps more than you know. I am struggling with TTC my first bio child and it has been a horrendous journey full of heartache.

    1. hbuckman Post author

      Stephanie, we are cheering you on. Like Melissa says above, DO NOT GIVE UP! Your baby is out there waiting for you. Much love and baby dust to you.

  5. Kristine Wilson

    I love that you so openly share your story! I am such a private person when it comes to these things that very few people we know actually know all of the losses and heartache we went through. I have recently started sharing bits and pieces of our story to others on private FB groups and mommy networks. You never realize how much sharing your own story and experience can help others who are struggling too. I still don’t have the courage to openly and publicly discuss that very intimate and personal time of my life to friends and family but for some reason, I feel at peace discussing it with “strangers” and FB friends. Thanks for inspiring me to share:)

    1. hbuckman Post author

      Thank you, Kristine!I know it’s hard to be so vulnerable, but what urges me on is that I know others are out there struggling, heartbroken that it will never happen for them. It’s easier for me to share in written word rather than in verbal conversation, so I haven’t really had these conversations with my family. So, we’re very similar 🙂

  6. CoffeeBlue

    I just found your blog tonight. It was exactly what I needed to read. We’re just coming out of our first failed IVF and our 3rd failed adoption match. It’s been a long hard road. Thanks for shining a little light on the path.

    1. hbuckman Post author

      Sending you love, strength and resolve to continue moving forward. I know it’s so hard, but your baby is out there, waiting for you!

  7. Pepibebe

    Ohhh just came here from Rainbow families, not sure how I missed your blog before. I’ve just read this one post and it’s great so I’m off to find the follow button (I’m on my phone so not as easy as it should be sometimes).
    Your post here is a great reminder to just keep believing and carrying on. We are on an enforced break just now (as you’ll see in my last couple of blog entries). So it’s timely to read this well written and inspirational post.
    See you round I’m sure.

    1. hbuckman Post author

      Following your blog now, too. It’s beautifully written and very honest. Thank you for reaching out.

  8. Stephanie Fender

    Heather B! Your blog rocks. I enjoy your posts, so please keep them coming! Hearing your/other’s conception and birth stories opens my eyes and humbles my heart. It is so refreshing to hear the spirit of women and their unwillingness to give up…which will translate throughout the rest of their Mommy lives.

  9. Steph

    So blessed to share this journey with such a wonderful and beautiful woman.. I did think about giving up and being ready to accept failure, as I thought of it then, if you were to say the word. It was just too hard! Plus, why push the bar? I mean after all, we have dogs and two, er, other beautiful, sweet, loving (if we catch them on the right day in a given quarter) other kids. Then the cats – always gem lovely. But in spite of the blessings we already had – call me greedy – but I’m glad we did not give up because now, however broke we are, (accepting donations), we have these 2 cute (but for how long?) little dudes that I love to wake up to in the middle of the night to discuss politics and such. lots of little cheeks to kiss (and maybe gnaw on), and toes to bite. There are giggles to make happen and milestones to help achieve. No day is like the last, except for the poopy diapers maybe…but each day holds something new and special. Who knew perfection could be enhanced? You are a loved loved loved lovely woman.

  10. Jenn

    This was such a meaningful post! Spoke volumes to my life on a number things not even specifically about fertility treatments, because i haven’t started those. Trying to devise a new life plan when my life has been so thrown out of whack so suddenly, has been a true test of faith. Thanks for this!

    1. hbuckman Post author

      Kate, thank you so much! Very excited for you and your wife and looking forward to following your journey.

  11. Kara

    I came across this tonight as I sit in bed and cannot turn off my brain. My husband and I have been TTC for a little over a year now. We’ve had the basic beginning stages done as far as talking with an infertility specialist. So far both of us have “passed” and tests and Fallopian tubes look good. My heart is heavy at this time when I had my first positive test this month and was late on my menstrual cycle (which has not happened in my life) went and had blood work done a couple days later and it came up negative. I took a test earlier in the day, checked it after 3 mins or so,
    And had nothing. I left it on the counter and came home after being at work to find a positive. In these past months of peeing on every stick known to man kind, I’ve never had a positive show. Even after pulling a test out of a garbage can to just double check. (I can’t be the only one who has done this) lol So I was advised that I could’ve had a chemical pregnancy due to the fact I was late, or a false positive from an “evap line.” Im not ready to move forward with any infertility pills or treatments, but I just wanted to share my story, it’s been a long year+. I’m surrounded by my beautiful pregnant friend who I am truly so happy for. But am currently struggling with my tears from this past week, that was a mental hit. This article, though old, made me feel hopeful. Thank you.


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