Twin toddlers are NO JOKE, folks.

The boys are 14 months old now, and shit just got hard. Seriously, I thought having two infants was going to be the challenging part of the twins experience. During the boys’ first year, I  met lots of experienced twin moms who all told me the same thing – “Don’t worry…hang in there…it gets easier.”  THEY LOOKED ME IN THE FACE AND LIED!

Babies are a breeze. Having twin toddlers is NO JOKE, FOLKS.

You want proof? I’ve got proof.

First, babies are immobile. You put them somewhere, and they stay there! Here is photographic evidence of the immovability of babies.

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They pose like gingerbread men…and hold the pose.

 

Oh look, I'm just chillin in my tux, sitting here patiently on the couch.

Oh look, I’m just chillin in my tux, sitting here patiently on the couch.

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Who poses their babies with stuffed animals, anyway? We do, because they’ll just sit there so WHY NOT!

 

Now, every picture I take is a blur.

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Also, because of their newly mobile selves, you have to booby trap your house. And even when you booby trap it, they still do contraband things like stand up perilously on their wagon – the concrete floor reflecting ominously back at you.

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What else? Babies are also more portable than toddlers. Tuck those sleeping little angels in a quiet spot at a restaurant, and you’re usually golden. The first year, we went on 4 plane rides, to countless restaurants, and all over the ever-lovin city of Jacksonville.

With toddlers? GAMES UP. You can no longer go where normal people go. You are a prisoner in your own home. Now, when we think about going anywhere indoors, I become like a frightened animal. My eyes get wide, and I envision all the scenarios.

Proof that I’m not making this shit up – We got kicked out of our first restaurant last month! I’ve managed to go my whole 40 years behaving sweetly in restaurants. 13 months into having twins, and the owner of the new vegan-friendly restaurant that we go to comes to our table and admonishes to me “If they keep acting like that, I’m going to have to ask you to do what I did when my babies were young, and take them outside.”

August was constipated and was loudly telling the restaurant about his troubles. Sigh. He charms you with his smile, but DON’T BELIEVE HIM!

Deceiving smile. Notice his razor sharp teeth. He hones them daily. On us.

Deceiving smile. Notice his razor sharp teeth. He hones them daily. On us.

 

Toddlers are also violent. August does NOT like my curly hair, and so he tries to pull it out, ringlet by ringlet. He also doesn’t like my glasses, and gets a resolve of steel until he pulls.them.off.my.face. Then, I am blind. Which is probably better, honestly.

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I’d write more, but these days my attention span is shot to hell and my ability to put together a coherent sentence is suspect. So I’ll stop at that.

To all those moms who told me it gets easier, cheers! I think it’s a survival thing – like DON’T TELL THE NEW MOM THAT IT GETS HARDER. SHE’LL FREAK. I’m actually glad you lied to me so that I could be oblivious during that first year.

Like in this pic….little did I know. I look so glowy and dare I say….refreshed. 🙂 Love my little bugs!

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12 thoughts on “Twin toddlers are NO JOKE, folks.

  1. Amy

    This shit has me laughing out loud at the hair salon. It really not funny, but I remember those feelings and I only had one toddler at a time. And that wagon picture, I almost wet my pants.

    Reply
    1. Deidre

      LMAO!!! You have me cracking up at work, but your words are sooooooooooooo very real. I guess I missed out on my plane rides. I want to start traveling again so very badly and he loves airplanes. But I don’t want to be on the plane with that hid that just will not sit down, be quiet, screaming because he wants to get up and socialize with everyone. I can’t do. I cringe when I think about all of the snarls that I will receive.

      Then the restaurant. OMG!!! Noooooooooo, please no don’t give him any crayons! Taking him out in public takes an act of congress. I am frequently asked, let’s go to … dinner, stop by the mall, come over and…….. I say ummmmmmmmm NO! First I must consider is there WiFi because that’s a must! Then his diet! Are we making any other stops? How long are we going to be gone? Is he going to try play cute but hit out and run. Will he give someone the sweetest big hug but follow it up with bite marks and a smile….

      Um thank you, but no thank you. You are welcome to come over, but we are staying home.

      Through it all, I would’nt trade him for the world.

      Reply
      1. Deidre

        Oh yeah, vocal!!! Who invented that word NO! I probaly hear “NO”, 100,000,000 times a day and the famous question, “What’s this Mommy? Mommy what’s that? But what’s this? Mommy, Mommy, Mommy, Mommy!!!” Followed up with, “Well I want it!” “I want it Mommy!” “Mommy, I want it!” “I want it!!!!” “IIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII Waaaaaaaannnnnnnnnnnnnt ittttttttttttt!!! Ok, Mommy! Syrr, “Can you please use your inside voice?” Syrr: “No!” “I said no!”

        Hmmmmmmmmmmmmmm … who wants tot go out in public just to need help picking up mybottom lip becaus my mouth has dropped open due to all of the things my little person has said.

        Reply
  2. Spring

    One person gave me the same line but included “when they’re about 4!
    I won’t lie, it gets even harder from here! As they approach two to two and a half they only get more opinionated & vocal about their displeasure. Their emotions peak & something as simple as a dropped cup becomes a total tragedy & THE ENTIRE RESTAURANT will know about! I’m sure you already know this from Ophelia & Dakota but amplify it by 2 or even 3 & you are 100% correct, Twin toddlers (or more) are NO JOKE 🙂
    I feel your pain, I even think twice about going to other people’s houses, although they are surely childproofed by the time we leave, lol…

    Reply
  3. Jessica Monroe

    Yeah…it gets easier. I was told the same thing, but honestly, what’s easier and more fun than a little teeny beanie? They do not get easier. Like pets, the grow and then get into things…HAHAHA! Thanks for the great writing.

    Reply
  4. Jennifer Byrd

    Omg you are so right! The more mobile they are the worse it gets! We have not been to a restraunt in months because the twin scream the whole time and won’t sit still. And going out in public places hahahaha not happening. Especially by myself cause they hate their stroller and they run in opposite directions if out of it. Absolutely crazy! I really hope it get easier cause if not we all my not survive!

    Reply
  5. Mommy Steph

    Hilarious post Love! Love our little erasures and so glad we have them to keep you on your toes! Makes your evening martini so much more special and meaningful, no? 🙂

    Reply
  6. Jenny Minns

    Hahahahahahahahah seriously laughing out loud in my office right now. My 14 month old twin toddlers are making my world crazy right now. About to embark on a holiday flight for 7 hours. Wish me luck! Wishing you luck for a wonderful holiday with your little contraband adventurers. 🙂 xo

    Reply
  7. Jodi Campbell

    I laughed out loud. And I totally understand. I said 5 years old – it started to get (a little) better around 5 years old. My twins are 17 now and it’s getting hard again – like impossible. I decompress emotional distress with one only to be dragged into a tragic meltdown with the other – and they are BOYS. Lord help me if I had girl twins! It’s a great adventure but NOT for the weak minded or faint of heart! LOL

    Reply
  8. Sharla

    Ha! I had the opposite. I had a friend who had twin boys a year before I did and she scared the crap out of me. She always reminded me that the next phase was even harder. My boys tend to take turns being the hard one. 3 has been WAY easier for me than 2 but the first two years are seriously a blur!!

    Reply

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